36,792,000 Heart Beats

August 18th, 2017

11:22am

How does ones heart keep pumping when part of it has died? It shouldn't. I mean, honestly infacted myocardium doesn't transmit electrical impulses, doesn't contract, is useless really...

An ICU nurse for the past 11 years, I have seen so many heart attacks I have lost count. Sudden death, slow death, regardless of how it happens when enough of it does...people do.  

1 Year

12 Months

48 Weeks

8,760 Hours

525,600 Minutes

31,536,000 Seconds

36,792,000 Heart Beats

have passed since yours last beat my girl. A patched work quilt of memories fill those moments. Yesterday and an eternity ago. I long to smell your hair, have my ears tickled by your laughter, feel your arms around my neck, see your blue eyes sparkle. 

Sometimes it feels like if I close my eyes and open them again u will be here, others like I can't find the softness of your cheek and the sound of your whisper.

Time is a strange master. Your face fades from the reality of so many...

Please dont forget her. 
Please dont stop talking about her. 
Please keep her here in your minds. 

The little girl with fierce determination. That held onto the fin of a swift dolphin while weakness and steroids ravaged her body she held onto that dolphin with all her might. The water rushed over her face, filling her eyes and mouth, but she held on. Her determination to be beside that dolphin when the moving stopped was palpable. 

And she was. May we all hold that same determination to hold onto our Jesus thru the waves and water of these remaining days and moments. That we may hold onto Jesus and be found by His side when the waters of this life still...

Incredibly, our hearts have continued to beat thru this year. Thankful for those of u who have proven to be our family and weathered these dark storms with us. Jesus holds our heart beats and we continue to live in HOPE.

No Sis could miss a little girl more. I ache for u baby girl. Days of smiling and words of cheer float on a heart of constant supposition to Jesus for the strength for the next one. 

Living in hope of the day when we will fall to our knees and hold u again. When I will hear your voice scream " Daddy, Mommy!!!" and see u in their arms again. When your brother and sister and cousin won't walk thru this world as half a person anymore. When your Nana can tuck your blonde head under her chin and snuggle u again.

When I will hear "I love u soooooo much Sissy!" again

Without Jesus, without the hope of heaven, there is no morning.

 1 Year

12 Months

48 Weeks

8,760 Hours

525,600 Minutes

31,536,000 Seconds

36,792,000 Heart Beats

Closer to those moments.

Closer to holding u again.

Closer to heaven.

How many more stand between us and reunion? I dont' know. But I pray for the Jesus who has held us for this past year to continue into tomorrow. Hold your little ones. 

Don't get stressed out about the daily things. We would give anything to have those back. As we watch our small ones grow we ask what she would be doing in those moments. Looking forward to heaven...sometimes the breathes seem impossible to take. The sadness leaks down our cheeks unbidden.

"If u were a bird then I'd be a tree

and u would come home my darlin to me.

Oh, did u know we belong together,

did u know my heart is yours"

I woke up that Way Again....

I woke up that way again...the same way I have woke up so many days before. The sharp punch in my stomach almost visceral in its reality. The gasp of air sharply inhaled. Eyes searching, wildly looking. Fingers tearing, throwing, clawing the covers off. Need to get up. Need to go. Need to....Find her...


Reality hits you in the face like a wall not seen. It's icy fingers slide around your heart and you rememeber. Short gasps, trying to catch your breathe, recalibrate, reorient....

Dress, smile, breathe, drive. Grey clouds taste of sorrow. Miserable rain beats on the windshield. Remind myself to turn on the windshield wipers. Can't tell if its the rain or my tears fogging my view.

Where is her voice? I need to see her face...Find a parking place out in the back of the lot. Watching Marco Polo video chats as warm drops hit the screen. Her giggle fills the car, my heart warms. She and I, laughing, funny faces, changing colors. Golden dog kisses on her round cheeks. Her giggle, throws her head back and the sounds of it fills my silent heart.

Listening to her sweet voice say "I love you Sissy" over and over and over....and over. Pausing it on her blue eyes and her little hand waving saying "See you soon Sissy, I love you."

Warm tears mingle with cold rain on pale cheeks. Staring at her face....My heart misses you baby girl. The beat is not the same. The rythm has changed. Close my eyes and long for home. Talk to my Jesus. "Jesus has me," she says. Hold her Lord, until her Sis can hold her, and lift her, and swing her around until she squeels "Oh stop Sis!!!"


Reunion. The light of it breaks thru the grey. Warms the frozen. Dries the tears. Reunion. Until that day we will watch and remember. We will hold onto the precious sound of her voice...Until then...