Sitting In A Postcard

Sitting In A Postcard

The darkness wraps around me like a soft blanket. Colors are muted into the shades of pre-dawn. The sound of the waves lapping against the beach, rhythmic, calming. My view from the 18th floor of this exquisite hotel down onto the beaches of Waikiki is limited only by this gentle darkness.

I was awoken this early by the soft voice and gentle touch of my angel. My four year old son. He is my miracle. When I wonder if God is real and if He is good...(Lord, please forgive my humanity) it is his innocent face and voice saying "Mommy" that reminds me of God's factual, provable, indisputable ever-loving reality.

I sit here in the pre-dawn darkness on my balcony in Hawaii. The notes of "Give Me Jesus" flowing around me, a hot beverage, and this darkness. But it is not a darkness to be feared. It is a gentle darkness, full of warmth, and promise.

To my left I see the twinkling lights of Waikiki, mirrored in long gold columns onto the waves. Directly below me is the infinity pool, glowing turquoise and tranquil with the lighted tiki torches dancing in the breeze. When I look directly out I see nothing. Nothing but a soft black/gray. The sky is the same color as the water creating kind of a fuzzy, eerie, warmness that holds me. This world of simplicity is quiet. I like it.

It is the morning of our second day here in Hawaii. My family is around me. The only thing that has ever mattered. To say it is surreal would be an understatement. As much as I have traveled I have never been to Hawaii. Its always been on my list, but places like Italy and Africa took precedence. I wish I had not waited so long. I love it here.

But we are here for a reason I wish never existed. DIPG. My Julianna. As I sit here, alone, nothing but the sky, the water, and You, Lord....I ask "How does one reconcile this beauty and pain? Hope and   humanity. What used to be and what is?" I asked God to help me not overthink this trip. Not to struggle with the "I love Make a Wish because they are making this possible for my Julianna and I hate them because they have to," kind of thoughts. I prayed many times for that not to be in my heart here. It would taint it. She would see it on our faces. She would know...

How does one reconcile the "What could happen" with "What is happening"? I heard the most poignant message for church the Sabbath before we left. A sweet friend, used by God, spoke about fear and faith. She said that Faith is a decision. Not a feeling. So true. Many of us wait to "feel" faith. I am sorry but it will not come. You will have times of great feelings toward our friend Jesus, but Faith is the choice to believe He is Good, He is real when you have no feelings left. Satan whispers lies in our ears that if we don't FEEL God is is not there. Father of lies.

Our friend said that fear is really saying "God I am not completely sure that what You have planned will work out so I need to make a backup plan." That resonated so deeply with me. Like a voice saying what my heart was feeling. How arrogant of me to think that any plan I made would be safer, wiser, better then one made by the hand of God.

When we got off the plane here in Oahu the air filling our lungs was sweet, warm, Hawaiian. Looking down onto the beach, seeing the green mountains, surfers balancing on the white capped waves, pineapple juice in my hand....I had the distinct impression that I have fallen into a postcard. That I am sitting in one. This sand is too white, the water is too turquoise, the people are too beautiful to be real right?

I have had the feeling before, when I went to Aruba with a quartet I was part of in college, beaches, palm trees, white sand. When I stepped off the train in Venice, the colorful buildings, the canal...the trees in Africa...Postcards. All of them. Places I had dreamed of going, seen pictures of and when I finally came it was like "Wow, this is real! This wasn't just a story, or a photoshopped promotional tool! It is even more beautiful then the postcard!"

The sky is changing to a muted grey, with streaks of deep purple and pink. I can see the outline of the tall mountain across the water. Black and two dimensional, it is majestic. Appearing out of the darkness like a stately guardian that was there all the time but I couldn't see it. I think that is how God is....There, big, solid, real....but with the darkness of the world we just can't see Him till the Son comes.

I remember Julianna saying to us while she was in the hospital right after she had gotten diagnosed. "No more sad tears, only happy tears. Lets fight this!" That is the message of this trip. However improbable we are here, in this postcard, together. Every moment is real. Every moment is precious not in the morbid make-memories-cause-you-may-not-have-long-left-together kind of way that the doctor said....NO. In the this-is-where-we-are-today-and-we-are-blessed kind of way. No sad tears. We will sit in this postcard for these five days and feel goodness. Blessings. Togetherness. Whatever happens when we get out, well....I will leave that to Gods' planning.

She smiled yesterday. Really really smiled. Giggled, laughed, shrieked, swam, mothered my son as she used to do. It filled my heart. To see her happy. Like HER. She did a little happy dance once. I almost burst into happy tears. It was so like herself. Today is here. I am here with her. To see her see Hawaii, and that is a gift.

I see my sister and brother-in-law. I love them so. I am so proud of them They are the best parents anyone could ask for. They may not feel like it, but the love, and focus on the now they show inspires me.

I see the water now. The fingers of sunlight are reaching from behind the black mountains and shooting across the sky. I see a dark figure of a surfer on their board, paddling out into the blue. Tranquility. The ironic part is, when you think about going to a "postcard place" you think that it can't possibly reach your expectations. That the water can't be as blue, or the air as sweet, or the sun as magnificent. You are sure these postcards have been photoshopped, I mean really, isn't everything made to look and sound better then it really is?

The irony I have found is this. Postcard places are BETTER in real life. Genuine places of beauty and peace cannot be captured in 2-D. I am struck, sitting here on the 18th floor gazing down on paradise....What if Heaven is that way? We have just a "Postcard" view now. An image given to us in the Bible of what it will be like. How it will feel, what we will do. In our human way we try to bring it to life. The song "I am Only Imagine" says " I can only imagine, what it will be like, when I walk by Your side....surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel, will I dance for you Jesus, or in awe of you be still, will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall, will I sing halleluiah, will I be able to speak at all I can only imagine...."

We are living with only a postcard view of heaven. A promise. When we get there...Oh when we really get there, step into that place...the air will be sweeter, the sky will be brighter, the colors more exquisite, the peace...deeper, the pain....gone. Let us hold onto that hope. That what we see now is shrouded in that fuzzy darkness and soon we live in the real paradise.

Today we are swimming with dolphins. We will be here. All here. Thankful for these moments. Stacie told me that she had read about a teenager with DIPG who said it really stood for "Determined I'm Praising God." What a testimony. What an example of faith in the midst of death. I pray to have that faith and to soak up every moment of this life.

From the beaches here in Waikiki, we send our love to u all. Thankful hearts. Blessed hearts. but mostly hearts filled with hope, for the day we step into heaven and realize that postcard view we had of it....wow....it didn't even come close to reality.